This is what happens when a certain someone attempts to by-pass the selection process for the Monnow Social…
I presume that I can by-pass this unseemly scramble for places and that my honorary gold invitation is en route. The Royal Suite at Alltyrynys also needs to be reserved in case I do decide to bestow on you the privilege of my presence. The rest of you serfs can wallow in the mud of your pikey camp.
And the reply from Dave….
Well now, it so happens that I received the following letter from the manager of the Alltyrynys Hotel this very morning:
“Dear Mr Smith
Many thanks for your recent enquiry as to the availability of The Royal Suite for your friends proposed fishing trip in May. I am happy to confirm that the suite is indeed available for the full duration of the desired period and that it will be our complete pleasure to once again host your friend; his diverse tastes and unusual appetites provide a challenge that all our staff look forward to with relish.
My staff and I have given due consideration to the list of ‘little details’ that your friend wishes us to attend to, and whilst they are as diverse as ever, we will be doing our level best to meet them fully, legislation permitting. Whilst most can be met without fuss, there are one or two areas in which we need further guidance.
- We were all truly sorry to hear of your friend’s recent sight troubles, but this has given us considerably more scope in the task of selecting his ‘Special’ Chamberpot Maids. These girls make up with fitness and enthusiasm what they perhaps lack in physical appearance; although as you point out, he will not notice the difference in age and complexion.
- In a similar vein to the above, we have had limited success in meeting his requirements for – and I quote – “Well furred companion”. I am afraid that it is now the common practise amongst ladies of Eastern European extraction to shave themselves thoroughly, except of course for that little inch or three between the eyebrows – though I believe some Welshmen grow up finding this attractive on account of their mothers.
- With regard to the extra fittings and fixtures in the bedroom. The local carpenter has examined the sketches your friend kindly sent to us but informs me that such alterations would not only be unsuitable for an antique four poster bed, but would also contravene animal welfare legislation.
- On the plus side, on hearing of your friends visit, and his special needs, the well known company Stannah have offered the use of one of their portable applicances for the duration of his stay. There is no fee attached this service, merely a hopeful request that your friend’s golden countenance will grace the pages of their catalogue in future years.
- Finally, we at The Alltyrynys appreciate the need for discretion, and given the nature of your friend’s previous exploits during his stays in this area, we certainly appreciate the need for anonymity on his part. However we find this year’s choice of nom de guerre, Mr Ivor Fatcock to be neither amusing nor intelligent. Having spoken with Truda and Olga, whom your friend will remember well no doubt, they have suggested that he provides a “somewhat less ironic” pseudonym.
As ever we seek to cater for all needs, and if any of the above should cause anxiety or disappointment to your friend, then I can recommend a thoroughly good campsite at Longtown, where I understand a group of highly personable young men will be staying. Should you or your friend need furhter clarification of arrangements, then please do not hesitate to contact me.
Sir James Tolerance-Stretcher
The Alltyrynnys Hotel